Hello my precious girls. I love you.
Researchers have found that an important factor to being a well-adjusted adult is the ability to reflect upon your childhood experiences and connect how those might be influencing you as an adult. Well, I apologize. I really am sorry for some of my personality flaws that may have bled into your psyche. Here are some things for you to be aware of that might (consciously or subconsciously) impact you as you create your path. In our genetic code (and therefore greatly influencing the way you were raised) lies some perfectionism, uptightness, germ-a-phobia and unfortunately binge eating. Here’s a bit more about me, which may help you, understand you.
I’m a planner. I’m a “get-er-done” striver with the opportunity to more fully enjoy the now. I don’t have enough patience. I have always tended to be the person that sees opportunity for improvement (though positive reinforcement is my jam as a mom . . . working on it as a wife). When I would score a goal playing soccer, my teammates would naturally celebrate. I ran back for the kick-off. The game wasn’t over.
I tend to keep most people at an emotionally safe distance, likely a consequence of my own distressing middle school experience. I hope you are able to let people in and form more deeper relationships than I have demonstrated. I’m far more of a feeler than I’d like to be. Stories of others pain brings me to instant tears. I hope you are able to empathize with others pain without making it your pain.
I may lie on the brink when it comes to anxiety and know that I worry far too much. Even with 30 minutes of predeparture time, I sometimes feel my body tensing if I’ve not yet packed the lunchboxes or brushed teeth before school. I pray that you are able to one-up me at not placing importance on things that aren’t important. There have also been times when my mind starts to go to scary places. For example, throughout adulthood, I have had bouts where I can barely sleep because I’m home alone (or alone with you girls) and am afraid of some sort of burglar. These bouts mostly dissipate the more time I spend in prayer. If you ever start to feel anxiety or depression that interferes with your happiness, sleep or any other part of your life, I beg you proactively attack it. Our family line may have a bit of chemical brain imbalance that is far out of your control to which you should carry zero shame in seeking help. (My uncle had bi-polar disorder and your great-grandmother battled depression. I’m pretty sure Mimi has a bit of anxiety in her never-ending quest to be the most self-less, caring person ever).
That all might seem like quite enough. But there’s more. I hate to waste. Electricity. Food. Time. Anything. I have binge eating disorder (self-diagnosed, but I think pulling treats out of the trash qualifies). Praise the Lord this has been countered by a passion for nutrition, a relentless controlling of my environment and exercise addiction. Annie, sticking with your special diet will save you here. Isabel, if you inherit this one, I pray you work to control your environment and get whatever help you need in a society where public discussion of sugar addiction and binge eating disorder is greatly misaligned with the vastness of the disease. And I am always here for you.
I work daily to not pass some of these less desirable traits onto you. In the inevitable case that I do, please know that it’s not your fault and you can choose to be different. I hope some of my positive traits and values have seeped their way in too. The important thing is to recognize areas in your life that you feel unhappy or unsettled with, understand what might be underlying, and then move forward with intention to live how YOU choose.
All my love sweet girls. You are awesome.